Well it's been over a year since I fell in love with Morgan. Since then I've told her how I felt, and it never really went over well. Just looking over some of my previous entries got me thinking about the situation.
It seemed every time I told her, she would threaten our friendship. I'm not sure if that's a defense mechanism, or if she just really doesn't feel anything about me. I thought for a while I actually had a chance with this woman.
Just the same as when I visited for Christmas, the last time I visited went equally bad. Just thinking back about what transpired between me and her, I cringe. I can never say the right thing, and when I try to be honest, it just fucks me.
I spent a lot of time being depressed about the whole thing again. Cried a lot, got drunk a lot. Same old story. My parents think I'm nuts for even stressing about this crap. To an extent I agree. People have been telling me for nearly a year(the entire time) that it's a bad idea. I think it's my personality. I don't think of a relationship as purely physical, or just a fling. I'm always thinking long term. I have the desire for the physicality, but I fall in love too easily. I take things for granted, and just over analyze things.
I had an almost one night stand with a girl in Florida, and the next week I was all stressed out, and tweaked hardcore about it. My friend warned me it would be an issue, and it wasn't at first. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't had a lot of relationships, or maybe I'm just naive? I don't know.
Kari is still a mystery to me. I can't make up my mind about her. I know I'm still in love with her. I think I'm just in denial about the whole thing. I'm convinced I need to move on. I feel that if I don't experience something different, I'll live with a regret. Yet I feel that I'm letting go of something so pure and wonderful. I have love, and I'm choosing to find love.
It's like a forbidden fruit or something. Every time I see her, It's too much to bear. I have to kiss her, hold her, touch her. Anything. I want to explore new relationships, but I can't stand the thought of her having a relationship. I think that's a little messed up. Maybe I need therapy. That might help me with a lot of things.
I haven't made any progress in finding my birth parents. I think my parents are too busy to even think about it. I need to make progress with this. If something happens to them, I won't be able to live with myself for not getting it taken care of in time. I'm so excited to talk to my mother. It's dizzying how much I want to meet her.
My flying has been getting a little better. I think I'm actually making progress with some of it. I still have issues with some of the logical thinking required, but it's slowly getting better. I can see my progress, and it's amazing to think about. I wish I could get this training over with faster than it will actually happen. I'm really excited to be an instructor.
I guess that's all that's going on in my life right now. I can't really think of anything else worth mentioning. I should keep this updated more often, I really enjoy looking back on it. I can see how much I've grown emotionally just with the Morgan crap.
I love you Morgan. Too bad for you. I have given up on it, and probably won't ever think about it again. You're my best friend in the whole world, and I would do anything for you.